Just trying to squeeze the most out of life

The day is here

2010-09-19T20:16:00.000-06:00

I started this blog to share my journey. To share my feelings, thoughts, fears and joys in a way that made me feel safe. This space has allowed me to share my ups and downs, write about the random thoughts in my head and I have met some wonderful people...friends. But more than anything I would say that who I am today has changed a lot from the person that I was the day I created this blog. I LOVE this blog and it has truly meant the world to me, but it no longer feels like a safe place to share anything.

I have been thinking about how to let go for awhile and there is no easy answer. I would like to continue reading the blogs that I love and making comments using this handle. I have created a new blog that I hope will give me back that sense of freedom. If you would like to know the name please feel free to email me. But more than anything I want to say good-bye and thanks for being part of my life!

Mystery solved

2010-08-12T20:16:00.002-06:00

Ethel LOVES her peanut butter stuffed Kong every morning. It's actually her version f crack and it's also a great distraction from me sneaking off to work. She has a pink Kong (of course) and usually leaves it on the back porch for me to pick up after hours. That is for the exception of the 1st Kong which disappeared two months ago. She buries her bones in the mulch around the yard so i just assumed it would be found. In the meantime my mom bought her another. Things were going great until three weeks ago when Kong #2 vanished. Ethel and I walked around the yard digging up mulch trying to find the hidden treasure. NOTHING! So...I purchased another and today Kong #3 has vanished.

Luckily for both of us I found #2 on Monday in my alley. It was just lying there waiting to be found with a little part of it chewed off. While we were out looking for #3 my neighbor came out and told me she saw a squirrel with what she thought was a Kong today. Can you believe it! Stupid squirrels!

They aren't real

2010-08-11T20:53:00.002-06:00

Get your mind out of the gutter! I was talking about dreams...

But the big question is why can a dream ruin your entire day? I play out a lot of situations in my dreams and some end better than real life and then others...well you get the point. This morning I woke up from a dream that felt so real and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go back to that life. I wanted to live there. And because I couldn't and because it felt so real I have been in a funk all day long. Tears, anger, tears, tears and did I mention tears.

And now it's time for bed again and I'm not sure if I hope for a repeat event or do I dream of dancing in candy land.

Two steps down...#24

2010-08-10T20:54:00.004-06:00

This is my year to face the potential for parenthood. As I sat at my grandfathers funeral earlier this year I realized there was no reason for me to continue to wait for the perfect situation. So I did nothing... Well, I did nothing right away but took baby steps for a couple of months.

First I sat my family down and told them that I was serious about being a parent and have explored all of my options and ultimately I am going to try and get pregnant using donor. Check! I met with the specialist regarding the process and have a detailed list of all the things I needed to complete before trying. Check! The doctor did tell me that because of my age we needed to do some extra tests to make sure that I am a good candidate for late pregnancy. REALLY!!! I'm 37 and apparently considered over the hill. Got over that information...Check! My blood work doesn't think that I'm over the hill and still seem to be able to produce eggs (healthy even). So what's next?

I have an appointment this week to have an ultrasound done to make sure that everything is flowing okay and there is no blockage. And then I guess it's a go. I have picked a donor...after having a donor selection party. And I have even started to take prenatal pills per doctors orders. Now I just wait to make sure that everything is good and then I'm ready. I am scared but excited at the possibility. Yikes!

Where did you go?

2010-08-05T20:14:00.002-06:00

Does anybody read my blog anymore? Well...I know there are a few known as SPAM! I do wonder what happen to everybody but I guess the truth is that i really use this as my own world to be able to say whatever. Oh well!

I made a promise to myself that by January I would have 100 new experiences of some sort and I'm not really even close to making that goal. So it's time to focus. I have had new experiences so it's time to focus and write. Write for me.

I'm so flattered

2010-07-29T20:04:00.002-06:00

I am doing a guest post on a blog that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read. I appreciate Ms. Sassy allowing me to post something on her blog and add to my list making it #23. I started writing this blog as simply a place to express myself. Over the years I have gained friendships, learned a lot about myself and others and even gained a few followers who comment from time to time. This is still a place for me to think and feel out loud and something about has allowed me to write on somebody's blog. Thank you so much Ms. Sassy!

T-shirts, tools, corn and dog collar

2010-07-19T21:11:00.002-06:00

Those were just the beginning of things I saw yesterday. I may have hit an all time low yesterday when I was trying to add new items to my list. Number 22...I went to the flea market. I don't know what that looks like in other locations, but in Colorado there is one flea market and I have NEVER actually had any desire to visit. But when a friend asked me to join and help find the perfect item (what was it again) I couldn't come up with another excuse.

It was 100 degrees, crowded and random. There were rows and rows of "prize" items that everybody needed to buy. I was honestly surprised at how many booths were selling dresses (okay they were really just long shirts but being sold as dresses) and that there were actually woman in there dishing out money. I walked by a man selling old dish towels to a young couple.

We left empty handed...well we did buy a bag of giant marshmallows simply because they were so big and had a few beers to keep us cool. It was a fun people watching experience but probably a one time experience.

What would you do?

2010-07-18T17:35:00.002-06:00

#21...for a Klondike bar. I grew up in a family were life was pretty black and white. My parents always wanted to feel comfortable in the body and that usually involved dieting. So every week consisted of chicken breasts (skinless of course), broccoli, squash, fish...you get the point. We didn't have treats around the house EVER. No cookies, ice cream, pop, pizza or basically anything that was considered junk food. And it was branded in my brain that I could eat ice cream, cookies, pizza...without becoming the largest woman on the planet.

I haven't followed that 100% but there are many things I haven't experienced. And one of those was a Klondike bar! I love those commercials and sing the song all of the time. This weekend had a BBQ with friends and we just did it. We all had a Klondike bar and talked about what we would all do for another. Travel to Mars, make-out with the neighbor, jump off a cliff (into water) all were thrown out there. What about you?

Its HOT!!!!

2010-07-17T10:13:00.002-06:00

101 degrees in the forecast today and it has been two weeks of heat. I love summer but would like a little break for maybe just one day. So many updates and so little creativity to write something moving. So I know that we all hate bullets but it's the best way for me to get past my writers block! So here it goes...

A. My back is still out but slowly improving. In fact, I was finally able to move the chair out of the bathroom and can officially stand up on my own. It does take a long time but finally!

B. Ethel is resting well at home now after her spay appointment and is able to use her sad eyes to sucker me into giving her more treats.

C. Fred is using his look to guilt me into getting treats because Ethel did...

D. Number 20 on my list. I had my meeting with the endocrinologist on Thursday and we have started the process. I gave 9 vials of blood and they ran a bunch of tests, have ordered more tests and started the ball rolling.

E. I am going back to work on Monday! YUCK! So it's time to get myself ready and back to the world of alarm clocks and full days. New building, new job, new people, new start.

Just a thought

2010-07-13T20:54:00.002-06:00

I remodeled my bathroom two years ago (OMG...it's been a long time) and I was adamant about putting in a taller toilet. They are called chair height and are suppose to be such an upgrade. So I got it in there and from the moment that it was installed I have regretted that decision. When I am sitting my feet don't touch the floor. And as if that weren't embarrassing enough...now that my back is out I had to move a chair in there to help me lower and rise off of the seat. Really....

It's time

2010-07-09T19:34:00.002-06:00

I have been stuck in my house for so long...all summer break to be exact. I have a bad back and can barley walk from from to room. So today I was back at my doctor trying to find some resolution and while I was waiting for the x-ray tech I saw the endocrinology room. Reproductive endocrinology to be exact. So I walked in and scheduled an appointment to start the process. I want a baby and I can keep waiting for everything to fall into place but hell I'm not sure it will ever actually happen. And I am not getting any younger so it's time to just start the process. I want to be a mom and this is a option available to a single, gay woman. I'm scared but excited and ready to start what I feel might be a very long process.

My last post was about my best friend and one of the things that I love about him so much is his zest for life. And I talked with him last night on his new adventure and he promised to still be a permanent fixture in my life (ie. in my child's life). So today I took the first step to try and do one thing that I really want...to be a mom.

There's no crying in moving

2010-07-06T18:55:00.003-06:00

That's what I told myself over and over again this entire weekend. My best friend drove off into the sunset this afternoon with his partner. They have been dreaming of higher educational opportunities and today marks the beginning of their adventure. Moving 1,000 miles away to pursue this opportunity and explore another way of life.

I am happy, excited and proud for my friend. He has had some major ups and downs over the years and finally life seems to be all coming together for him. He has found love. He has found a man who is kind, smart, funny and full of energy who gets him, loves him, respects him and appreciate all of the little moments. He has found peace within himself and who he is regardless of other people's opinions. He has found peace with family and that has been a very long time coming. And more than anything after years of dreaming of a career he is now going to take the steps to make that happen. All of those reasons make me happy for him...

But at the moment I'm sitting here crying because my best friend isn't going to be around for awhile. And I have depended on him for so long that it does scare me to think that we can't just "get together" in free moment. But no matter how many miles there are he will always be my best friend and I wish him only the best!

So a little off my goal

2010-07-03T21:22:00.002-06:00

I had this great idea that making a goal to do 100 new things in a year would be an easy task. Hmmm...but then reality took over and finding 100 new experiences has been a bit of a challenge. There have been things that count as a new experience but isn't what I had in mind for this goal so I refuse to add on the list. And then I realized that it has been almost one month since my last post and I hate that more than anything. So here are a few updates over the past month (and yep I'm going to use the bullet system):

#16 - Wine tours in Sonoma (Bay Area). My mom and I went on a trip to San Francisco right after my birthday for a week. We did so many wine tours (and purchased so many random wines) that somebody might mistake me for a wine expert. LOL!

#17 - I saw a whale! On the same trip my mom and I were sitting by the ocean looking out at the sunset drinking wine. The entire trip I kept telling my mom how much I wish a whale would just jump out of the water. And then all of a sudden I saw it...a head and then the puff of water. We sat for another half hour and watched three whales come up and down seeing both heads and tails. So fun!

#18 - DIY network I'm back. I have designed a new floor plan for my basement. Remember a couple of years ago when I remodeled my bathroom...I had to tear the basement apart to have access to electrical and plumbing. It's time to finish the basement and it is all my design. Now if I could just use somebody else money.

#19 - Attended puppy training. Since Ethel is my first puppy it seemed to make sense that I also needed to take classes. So...we have gone for seven weeks (every Thursday) to learn basic commands, build confidence and mostly to laugh at the look of pure joy while she plays with all of the other uncoordinated pups.

There are more but that's enough for now. I'll be back more frequently and hope that there are still readers. Happy July 4th weekend.

37!!!!

2010-06-07T21:50:00.002-06:00

When did that happen? How is it possible that I'm actually 37 years old? I have moved all of my boxes into my new school, summer vacation has finally begun and I had a birthday all within the last three days. And this morning I woke up feeling like I have a birthday hang-over. Hmmm....am I the only person who is surprised by your actual age???

The end is soon.

2010-05-24T09:14:00.001-06:00

Packed boxes, scattered files, overflowing to-do box, empty walls…that’s the view from my desk. It’s the scene of having one foot in the door and one outside. My time is quickly running out here in this job. A chapter of my life if officially coming to an end. The next couple of days are filled with stressful planning of graduation, coordinating finals, saying good-bye to students and staff…friends. I’m generally not as emotional about leaving a job but the past four years have been more than a job. I have given my heart and soul to this job, school, and community and in return it has at times embraced me, punished me and it’s even protected me from the outside world.
This morning I am here looking at the mess around me and honestly trying to figure out how to just get through the next couple of weeks. But then what…what’s in the future? Hopefully some calm and new opportunities.

More than words

2010-05-16T21:18:00.002-06:00

Number 15...I wrote about finishing a book recently and it really stuck with me. Most important there was a phrase that reached out and touched my soul. I often get bogged down in "what if" or "should have" thoughts...and five words are a great reminder for me to stay present and grateful. I went to Vegas again for Spring Break and decided to find a new tattoo shop and ink my right arm (which has never been done before).

Welcome home...

2010-05-11T21:44:00.005-06:00

And this is number 14! I would like to introduce the newest member of my family...Ethel. She is a 11 week old Goldendoodle. I have never been a dog owner by myself. I grew up with dogs and I have had some dogs in my life but never my very own. She is funny, sweet, sassy and is the perfect "Ethel" for Fred. They have a love/hate relationship which has grown over the last couple of weeks. I love her and can't wait to share more of her with you over the years.

Number 13

2010-05-10T20:46:00.002-06:00

I haven't forgotten my list and I have so many updates that I'm hoping to post as much as possible this week. But number 13 happened this evening and I can't get it off of my mind. My parents are both retired now and it has taken a bit of time to adjust to that much "together" time. Especially since my mom can obsess on her "love" and can become a bit too much.

This afternoon I dropped by my parents house (which I will update why on a later post) and my mom was sitting at the table staring outside. As soon as I said hello she started talking and for the next hour I listened to her stress about my dad's health (he is having some issues), my dad's unhappiness with life, her inability to make it all better and that was the moment.

I sat next to my mom watching her cry out of frustration and self loathing because she loves so much and feels like she just isn't enough. The counselor in me came out and we talked that thought process through to a point of realizing that my dad is an adult responsible for himself. And then the daughter in me came out and I offered her my unconditional love and support and promise to help my dad.

But number 13 was the connection in my own mind. I am my mother in so many ways...and I define myself through other's pain and suffering. When good things happen to others I don't make any connection to myself...but when bad things happen to others I believe it's must be my fault. And I finally saw that reflected back through my mom's eyes. Knowledge is power...right?

Happy Mom's Day

2010-05-09T07:54:00.002-06:00

Today is Mother Day and my brother's 40th birthday. So I'm on my way to brunch for the big celebrations... My mom is an amazing woman who deserves to have her very own day without sharing any other big moments. But my mom feels like the perfect way to celebrate is to remember her family and helping my brother celebrate makes for the perfect day.

But for me this moment is about knowing I have an amazing mom! She has her moments, like all parents do, but in the end she supports and loves me. She makes me smile and laugh more than most. And she is the perfect person to have in your corner when the world is beating you down. I pray to be a mom soon and I can only hope to be half as good as she has been to me. Love you mom!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

How long?

2010-05-01T13:11:00.002-06:00

I haven't written in so long that it feels like starting all over again. I miss blogging, I miss reading other blogs and yet I haven't done that in forever. So I'm going to try and do better and catch up on my list of 100 things. But the burning question in my mind right now is WHAT???? My comments have shrunk over the year but now I seem to have a new following. I read the comments and have no idea what they say. But I guess thank you for following.

Spring Break

2010-04-04T21:02:00.002-06:00

Number 12... A weeks vacation was exactly what I needed. Hell...it's what everybody needs. Spring Break is a little reward that comes when working in education and I made sure to make every second count. I took Fred to my parents and headed to the airport with two friends bound for Vegas (again)! On the flight there a woman sitting next to me decided to pull her phone out and call somebody as the plane was literally in mid-air! So I told her to get off of the phone and that started some drama. I had to sit for the remainder of the flight and listen to her try and explain why she should be able to use the phone and in the end they were all stupid reasons and probably came down to her using crack. But the best moment...we land in Vegas and she immediately gets on the phone and tells the person on the other line that she is sitting next to two F!@#ing C!@#S!!!! Yep...fill in the blanks everybody. She actually said it out loud and that created even a bigger moment. People in the seats in front all turned around and said something to her, people behind us said something and the flight attendants made her stay until we all exited.

Anybody else have crazy airplane stories?

Updates

2010-03-22T18:41:00.002-06:00

So it has been FOREVER since my last post. Hmmm...where do I start? I did apply for that job but didn't get an interview. I applied today for a similar job hoping that the minor changes will show that what a perfect fit it would be. If not...they are promising to let me know by April 30th where I am going to be reporting next year. Yuck! I have been toying with the idea of throwing myself at their feet and requesting a move back to the counseling world. It would be a step back but I think that it might just be what is best for me and for kids. Would give me more time to do what I love and volunteer in my community with kids and families that appreciate help. Not sure yet but it is about time to make the final decision.

Four more days and the Spring Break! I can't wait...five days with no alarm clock and no WORK! I just want to soak up every down time possible.

I went to see Crazy Heart and LOVED LOVED, LOVED it!!!! Run out today and buy tickets if you haven't already seen this movie.

Okay...I am going to count this as number 10 and maybe even 11!!! I took today off from work. I almost never call into work and never on a Monday. Those are our team meetings and it is forbidden to miss. But this morning when my alarm went off I stood up and walked to the phone and called in for the day. No regret, no concern...I just walked back to bed and went to sleep. I spent the day updating my resume, applying for jobs, cleaning my house, working outside in the almost 70 degrees and work out. It was great! And number 11 happened at the gym. I was lifting weight when a woman walked up to me and commented on how strong I was? Excuse me? She repeated it again...you have a strong body and that's amazing. I picked up jaw up off of the ground and simply said thank you. Normally I would try to identify all of my flaws but it felt good to be viewed as strong. So simply put...thank you.

Happy Monday!

Nine!

2010-03-14T21:59:00.002-06:00

I got up this morning and dressed in green except for my running shoes (they are pink) and headed out to Run for the Green. I met up with a couple of friends and we joined thousands of people to run/walk a 7k in downtown Denver for a cause. It was a wild bunch of people who were trying to celebrate, set records and stay warm!

I will

2010-03-10T21:08:00.002-07:00

Thanks to all of you who offered the support and kick in the butt. You are all right...I have to apply because of the kids. Regardless of the outcome at least I tried and that is the only part that I can control.

A quick update...today my boss announced to my friend and I that he was going to make the announcement to the faculty that we are being moved at the end of the year. Did I mention he was going to make that announcement tomorrow? That is for effect...to try and hurt us in our current position and to break us more than we currently feel. And at this moment I am so grateful for my dad's genetics because the one thing that I refuse to do is break emotionally in front of my boss. So doesn't deserve my emotions. So we shared words and then when I didn't break he lashed out at me personally. He made some ugly statements, threats, etc. And in the end I stood my ground, defended myself and refused to continue.

So tonight I do feel emotionally beat and drained but I will not let him see that...EVER. And while I am sure the "dream" job isn't going to be an option if for no other reason than him I will apply tomorrow. Thanks for the push.

Should I or not...

2010-03-09T21:07:00.002-07:00

Today a job posted that I have hoped for since I started working in education. The person who has had the job is a friend of mine and I have said no less than a hundred times that I wished she would retire. And there is some irony that given my current job situation this is the time she has decided to make it final and will exit the role in June.

This morning I got to work and she had left a voice mail telling me to look at the job post and get it filled in quickly. And my response...silence. The truth is that I would love this job, but really don't think that there is a chance that I will even be considered. It's political (as all jobs are for sure) and yet I feel pretty strongly that there is no way that with my professional reputation and current "transfer" out of my school that they would even consider me for such a role. A role that is really written for my passion and interest but that's not really the point.

Yes, I do have a professional reputation that has some truth and some not so much. I am outspoken, blunt, passionate, strong and can be a bit of a bulldog about things that I believe are best for kids. There are parts of me that wish for maybe a softer imagine, but the reality is that I am who I am and am proud of what I believe. I LOVE KIDS! I love the idea that they be supported, cared for, prepared for the real world...I love kids. And this job is a dream job in my mind. So...do I apply knowing that there isn't a chance? Or do I accept reality and hope it will come around another time...or not?

Brand Spakin New

2010-03-08T21:51:00.005-07:00

My tax return got here last week and tonight I couldn't wait to buy the one thing that I have wanted for a very long time. My NEW WASHING MACHINE! Who needs a fun car, trip or fancy dinner...I sure do dream big!

Early release

2010-03-01T20:41:00.002-07:00

I left work today at 5:30. I can't really remember the last time that I have been in my car driving home at 5:30 but today it was GREAT! I felt like a middle schooler on a half-day schedule because there was no much time this evening to work out, cook dinner, laundry, read and watch a little t.v. A good way to start the week.

I have also been thinking a lot about the L Word. I originally started watching the show during season three or four so was already a little out of the loop. But it didn't take long before I found myself so looking forward to Sunday evenings and catching up the stories every week. But it wasn't until later when I started watching the original seasons one and two that I actually felt the full connection. Every morning I would jump on the treadmill and watch an episode. Not just watch, but I found myself in the stories, questions answered and thoughts confirmed. And now that I haven't watched an episode in soooo long...I miss my friends. I miss the stories and I even miss the craziness. But mostly I miss only the first three seasons because they spoke to me on some level. Not really sure why I'm sharing all of this but glad that I did.

Eight???

2010-02-28T21:49:00.002-07:00

Is that really all that I have done so far on my quest for new experiences? I have to focus if I am going to actually do 101 new things in a year. But I did experience number eight this afternoon and it has been a long time coming. This afternoon I curled up on my couch with the fireplace going, candles burning and a movie playing while snow started to fall outside and in a brief moment I felt it finally. I love this house, I feel safe in this house and I feel proud to call this MY house. I looked around and realized that I built a life and a home!

It's not the same

2010-02-23T22:09:00.003-07:00

This afternoon I found myself driving to a hospital to help support and counsel families, kids and adults. The words were all the same...school, children, fear, shooting. The words were all the same but the events are very different. The latest shooting is terrible, scary and unimaginable, but it is not "Columbine" all over again. The media needs to a way to grab attention and sell a story, but I believe that today was a random act of violence that brings it's own story of pain and hurt.

And as I just walked in the door and am trying to decompress all of the sadness and fear that is a result of such a hurtful day I have been trying to find something to hold on to for hope. I started with the things that I am sure will happen again...I am sure tomorrow morning I will walk back into the doors of my school and believe it's safe. I am sure that I will be sad that such violence does exist but refuse to allow myself to feel paralyzed. I am sure that kids will continue to amaze us all with their strength.

So instead of obsessing over the latest news report I would say find one thing to smile about or put your hand together like a puzzle with the one you love and be grateful they are there. Or kiss your child and see the twinkle in their eyes or play a game of chase with your furry friend. Regardless...believe that this is not the same and it's a good reminder to embrace the things you have.

Six,

2010-02-21T08:46:00.002-07:00

Time to update my list since February is almost over and I am WAY behind in completing 101 new things this year. Funny how death and joy loss can throw you off track. But....I have done a few new things so anything counts at this point.

Number six! I went to a dog show last weekend. I know the ground did not shake from such a big event but I had to see all of those cute dogs. It was hard not to buy a puppy but the average price tag of $1,500 kept me grounded.

Number seven...speaking with a psychic. I have had my cards read a couple of times and have had mixed results. The first time I didn't feel like she had a clue and was just randomly guessing. The second time she was right on in so many aspects of my life. So I decided to try a psychic to hear if there was a little hope to hold on to for now. It was a mix of predictions some good and some not very clear. Ultimately I could have predicted all that she did and saved a few bucks so I am going to mark that box and move on with life now.

I'll keep you posted on more events and hopefully a little more exciting.

List goes on

2010-02-15T19:53:00.003-07:00

I stopped blogging about my list of new adventures at 5 and don't really have a good reason. I have experienced new things but haven't been able to figure out the writing thing yet. Thank you to everybody who offered the support and reality check about my job. I have no doubt that I am done working for my boss and even more done with him thinking that I'm his bitch. And I know that something new is exactly what I need. But my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit through all of this and my heart is a little broken over leaving some of the kids that I have worked so hard with to see them finally graduate. I know that we all have reasons for going to work daily and the kids are mine. So the next couple of months will be busy with job hunting, rebuilding my self confidence and saying good-bye. At this point there are no new updates on the job situation but I promise to share if and/or when something comes along.

I was looking over my blog entries and you know it has been a rough couple of weeks. I really have been trying to look at it all as a new opportunities. Sounds good...doesn't it. But I also know that I am determined to believe that it will all come together and make me a stronger person. Honestly 2010 was suppose to be my year. It was my year to stand up and take a step forward. And while it hasn't happened the way I had hoped for I haven't given up either. So just going to take it day by day at this point.

End of a chapter

2010-02-07T22:45:00.002-07:00

Four years ago I started a job that was going to open the door for so many opportunities. Opportunities to make a difference, opportunities to grow, opportunities to support a family, opportunities for something bigger...

That job has been a constant roller coaster of emotion much of which I have shared with all of you. And while I have been searching for new opportunities this year I have feared writing the final pages to this chapter of my life because of so many other reasons. But life creates is own path that doesn't always match whats in your mind. Last week was difficult to say the least. I work on a team that is officially broken both personally and professionally. We each our functioning in survival mode and have lost the true concept of the meaning of "team". So my bosses boss scheduled meeting with each of the team members (there are four of us - five if you include my boss) to ask questions about our job performance, job satisfaction, personal and professional conflicts and a list of other potential career changing questions. We each had our meeting and then were expected to go on and act as if nothing had happened.

Friday afternoon, minutes before I needed to leave to cover another night event...that same boss (my bosses boss) showed up to have a meeting with my entire time including my boss. We all sat down wondering what was next...

Tracie and insert other co-worker's name...you will not be returning to this school next year. We will be looking for a new spot for each of you to start over. I know that there were additional words said but I was too busy trying to calm my breathing, absorb what had just happened, control my emotions and focus. I was told that this is essential to allow my boss a fresh start to be successful but that it is also my chance to start over.

Read between the lines and you will hear that somebody believes that eliminating myself and my colleague will fix the dysfunction at my current job. And so now we have to leave and start over and carry with us the stigma of being moved even if it's now really about us. And in a flash part of what I had hoped for, a new start, had just happened and the nightmare of nothing having control of the outcome was intertwined.

The politics in careers is never taught in a college course and never discussed when dreaming of changing the world. I will walk away with my head up knowing that I gave 150% to this job and I also kept my integrity by being honest about my feelings and opinions. I am scared to death of what is next for me...but know that I will land on my feet. Life lessons teach us all how to deal with different things. I have learned that not having control over the outcome of an event does happen even if you try hard to make it work. I have finally learned to walk away knowing that I tried and will try again and again but only worry about the things that I truly can control. Well, maybe I haven't mastered that one but getting better.

Where will this adventure take me next...

High FIVE!!!!

2010-02-01T22:21:00.003-07:00

I played in a golf tournament on Sunday which isn't the new experience but this golf tournament was indoors. A couple of friends received an invite to a new virtual golf tournament and I couldn't miss that opportunity. So I packed up my clubs and headed out for a new adventure.

Golf is a funny sport to me because I can play amazing one minute and not even get close to the ball the next. Even more of a challenge is that I haven't actually swung a golf club for months because it's been so cold here. And to make it even more of a challenge I was the weak link of the four of us on the team. But the best part...I played so well that I won! Not the entire tournament but I won in the woman's category. Who would have thought? Is there a virtual LPGA...

Four down

2010-01-31T12:58:00.003-07:00

Before anything I want to thank all of you for the support given the past couple of weeks. My grandpa's death has changed me and it's been an emotional journey. But the services did give closure and I was able to say the things that I needed to express. That being said...one of the things that I have walked away with from this experience is the need to have a better spiritual connection.

I was raised without any religion in my life. My parents openly would discuss their spiritual beliefs and also share their personal opinions, but my brother and I were expected to find our own spiritual and/or religious path. I love my parents for that freedom and allowing me to be free of judgement, but...it's hard to believe in something larger in life when you never really have to think about. I have a basic level of beliefs...higher power, forgiveness and spirits but this week I have also realized that I have a lot of unanswered questions. I guess maybe that is more about having faith.

During the services I was moved by the words and passion of the minster. He was solid in his own beliefs and had a clear faith in life and death. It inspired me to explore more and find my own journey to faith. I'm not looking for organized religion because I don't need somebody to define "ideas" and "beliefs" for me to follow. I am looking for my spiritual connection for myself to have unwavering faith in MY LIFE AND IN MY DEATH.

So...this morning I got up and went to a service at the Denver Center for Spiritual Learning. That's number four! It wasn't the right connection for me but was a new experience for sure. So now I'll continue on my list of options...Taoist, Buddhist, Religious Science, meditation and whatever else I can explore.

Focus...

2010-01-26T21:50:00.002-07:00

I have been writing the eulogy for my grandfather's funeral tomorrow for the last couple of days. I have tried to write in different settings in the hopes that eventually it would all just come flowing out of my mind and express what's in my heart. I was picked (or better yet TOLD) that I was the person selected to speak for the family. I have a history of impromptu toasts to my family and friends and so I guess those were the qualifications in being chosen. I didn't have the heart to say no although every nerve in my body is screaming that tonight.

Focus...I write a few words and then drift off to my "to do"list, back to the eulogy and then lists of blog ideas. You get the point! Expressing myself should be easier than this but I am so worried that my words may not adequately express the love and respect my family has for my grandpa. Sorting through a lifetime of events, actions, beliefs and memories is difficult to succinct into a few words.

But it's done...at least for now it's done. And I hope that more than anything I am able to share that my grandpa did what he thought was best for himself and his family his entire life. He worked hard, played hard and loved unconditionally. He was a rancher, a construction worker, an investor, a husband, a father, a grandpa, a brother and a friend. Expressing his love wasn't always easy but he did the very best he knew how to and continued to try more and more. But the one thing that I learned the most from my grandpa is the one thing that I can't share at his services. My grandpa made some choices out of the need for comfort and not the need to be true to himself. He taught me that this is the only life I'm going to get and I need to make choices to be happy.

Focus...think I just found it!!!!

Out of the shoot

2010-01-25T22:44:00.002-07:00

The past week has been a blur with funeral arrangements, tackling my personal grief along with my father's. And then trying to fit in the normal day to day living has made things seem a bit of a cluster to say the least. But to top it all of my first time out of the shoot didn't work out so well.

I had a date recently. I know that should have made the list of new things but have decided to leave that off for now. The date was fun, exciting and made me feel appealing again (or at least started to) and we actually had a follow-up a few days later. And then smack life happened and my grandfather passed away so I put life on hold.

We exchanged a couple of phone calls, a few texts over the past week and then tonight I got an email telling me that she has also been on a few dates with another person and has decided that her focus is there for now. But...it would be great to be friends. REALLY???? Unflipping believable! I finally get the courage to put myself out there and the dates seem to be good only to find out I am good "friend" potential. Not really what I was looking for...

Dating sucks! I have a history of making a great friend but haven't been able to keep them connected to me for the long term. I know that Dr. Phil would ask what that says about me...I KNOW, I KNOW...and while I haven't figured it all out I am determined to do just that this year. But right now I have to scrape my self esteem off of the floor and try to convince myself to do it all again. Yuck!

Rest in peace

2010-01-18T22:20:00.003-07:00

My grandpa died today. I know that there should be a better way to put it out there but honestly I just keep repeating that sentence in my head over and over. He has had ups and downs with health for several years but always came back strong and never lost the hope for it to get better. My grandpa had a lot of loss in his life, two brothers passing before he was 20, taking over a farm that he had little passion about, losing the love of his life (my grandma) when she was only 48 and spending the last several years with a wife who treated him less than kind. But...he was always optimistic about life and loved his family.

So this afternoon I hung up with my mom doing our weekly chat and five minutes later she called again. I answered ready to hear "just one more thing" and instead I heard tears...no words, and then those words again..."your grandpa just died." And then all at once everything seemed to stop for a second. We divided phone calls, a plan to get my dad home from work and in between I kept repeating that same sentence again and again.

I know that eventually we will be able to look back on the good moments and be grateful that he went so quickly. I know that eventually the raw pain will pass and that twinge of sadness will takes its place. But right now the pain is huge and seems to take up the room. The only words that came to mind when I talked to dad were I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for him because now he has no parents here to lean on and love. I could hear in his voice the sounds of a child sobbing for his daddy.

Knowing that my grandpa is gone seems unreal and at this moment I feel very empty and alone. I honored my dads wishes to give him time alone with my mom to grieve. But I realized this afternoon that I was not prepared to handle grief. My grandma passed when I was a very little girl and there are few memories of that experience. So I had no idea what that loss would really feel like now. And I have learned that grief is hard and even harder alone. I loved my grandpa and will miss so many things about him. And I pray that he is now with my grandma which I know he longed for forever.

Goodbye grandpa...I love you!

Number 3...

2010-01-17T00:32:00.002-07:00

I have so many items to update but it's late and number 3 is the best that I can do right now. I have been trying to get in better shape, fit into a smaller size and overall just feel attractive again for a LONG time. And since you have been on that journey with me I thought it only fitting to make this my number 3.

Today I started a new program that is hard core working out, eating, planning, blah, blah, blah. But that isn't the new experience. My new experience was standing in front of two friends in my bra and underwear while they took "before" pictures, measurements and read my weight and body fat out loud! That is the new part. I put who I am fully out there for others to actually see and have to trust that they aren't home now talking about how I looked.

And while inside my heart was pounding and my mind racing with anxiety, I was able to laugh at myself again. I was able to say...this is who I am good or bad. And that is definitely a new experience.

Yes I do...

2010-01-11T20:47:00.002-07:00

Today I testified in a discipline hearing for one of my students. It was a first...I have never had to testify before EVER! I had a pre-meeting with the our attorney and reviewed all of the facts and details. Then I walked into the room and whispered to the attorney, "I might throw up from nerves." His advice, "don't" so I walked in and took my seat trying to look as confident as possible. Two hours later I was done answering questions from both attorneys. And I just kept wondering why I was the one on trial. I didn't do anything and the student didn't have to be questioned for more than five minutes. Really???? Is this how the system works? I'm not sure of the outcome yet but I do know that I did the best possible.

But....that isn't the big moment. When I was being crossed examined by their attorney he was trying to quote the policies to me and kept asking why I didn't know the details. "I followed the policies so I can't answer your question," that was all I could say. Then he did some big speech about how I needed to follow the details of the policy and I had failed. And then I opened the policy book and told him to turn to page 6 and following along as I read. I read the part he didn't get and when I was he had no other comments or questions. It was a great moment but the secret is that while I knew the policy was in there I had no idea what page it was listed. So when I flipped that book it just randomly opened to the correct page and while my hands were shaking like crazy I read it out loud. Thank goodness for luck!

I so should have been on Law & Order!

Brrr....

2010-01-07T22:23:00.002-07:00

Okay I am ready for the sun! It has been so cold here the last couple of days that the only positive I could come up with was that I'm glad it wasn't like this when I took the plunge. I just got home from work and caught the news that everybody is experiencing cold, cold temps! Cuddle up everybody!

Yeah for pink!

2010-01-04T21:30:00.003-07:00

No...I'm not pregnant. But I have been tracking my cycle for awhile and haven't actually ever received two pink lines to show I'm surging! I have been thinking about having a baby for several years but have been concerned that it was too late. Today I took another test and finally...two pink lines. So I stood in the bathroom at working jumping and screaming for joy! I'm not running out tomorrow to get pregnant but now that I have some hope that might be one of the 101 items this year. I'll keep you posted!

Number 2...

2010-01-01T19:50:00.004-07:00

Hello 2010! There is a tradition here in Boulder that happens every New Years day and up until this point was something that "those" crazy people would consider. But a couple of days ago I decided that what better to be on my list of adventures than the one thing that would really kick it off.

I am usually up for any challenge and almost always excited about supporting a cause. So a couple of days ago I convinced a group of friends (small group because the others said HELL NO!) to participate in the Polar Plunge which supports Alzheimer's Association of Colorado. The name says it all really...a large portion of the ice is cut out to expose freezing waters begging for insane people to dive into if even for a second. I woke up this morning excited and nervous wondering what I was thinking to even consider following through. I used ice cold water to wash my face hoping to prepare for the days event and honestly just though CRAP! But to make sure that I didn't back out on this I arranged to pick up one of my friends and even meet my parents half way to carpool. We pulled into the lot where over 900 people were lining up to take the plunge. There we stood...my three friends, two of their kids posing for pictures that my parents were more than happy to take as long as it meant they didn't have to jump.
After standing in snow for over an hour with temps at 35 degrees our turn was finally up. We put on our sandals, stripped down to our swimsuits (isn't that a pretty site) and we stood inches from the water. 3, 2, 1...JUMP! I ran into the water and it hit me...OMG THIS IS SOOOO COLD! I am the one in the top right corner with the short hair (it was the only picture that came out). So after five steps into the water i dove (because it was only official if your hair was wet) and then turned to run out of the water as quick as possible.

Second really is all that it lasted but the memory will be forever. I loved this experience and loved that my family and friends were there to do it with me. Now the rest of my friends are ready for next year!

Artist I am not!

2009-12-31T13:43:00.002-07:00

Okay...so I have tried for HOURS to correct my template and in the end had no luck. Soooo......I changed to yet another template (which took hours to figure out) and now the title is not working but in the big picture I care less about that then the dates. So who knows, this may change looks a hundred times before I actually figure out how to make it work all together.

It's New Years Eve and I am getting ready to spend some time with friends. I love the idea of New Years...starting over, new and sparkly, loving and wonderful. But the reality is that it's just another day with it's ups and downs. And while 2009 has come with some wonderful times it has also given me heartache and disappointment. But that's life really! So I am walking into 2010 with open eyes ready to experience all of my NEW things, enjoying my family and friends, grateful to have a job (even if it's a pain in the butt at times), my home and Fred. And I plan to take control of my world and be in better health, better spirits, better control and be open to life's adventures and love.

Happy New Years to all of you! Let's touch base next year!

Where did it go????

2009-12-31T00:15:00.004-07:00

I have spent hours trying to make sure that the dates are still on my site. Yes...I changed the look, but I didn't want to erase dates. And when I go on to the template I see dates! But as soon as I post, no dates! Where do they go?

New look...new start

2009-12-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

How does it look? I envy all of you bloggers who can change the look so often and keep things fresh. It's been a year and finally decided that with my new challenge to try 101 new things I needed a fresh look for my blog. A look that says simple, pretty and fresh. So I'm going to give it a try but welcome feedback.

Updates on my winter break. I was going to take a trip but fell through so instead I have spent time organizing, playing, working out and pretending like work isn't just around the corner. I went to see the lights at the Botanic Gardens last night and they were so pretty! I miss the warm temps but love the lights around town so it makes up for the cold...sorta.

There will be updates to my list this weekend if I don't chicken out. I hope that all of you enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Silent Nights

2009-12-27T02:11:00.001-07:00

Not so much the song and my experiences. It will get better...right? But at least I have pretty lights to look at during those long nights. Merry Christmas to all of you!

Number 1...

2009-12-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

I was hoping that number one of the 101 new items might be life altering...but I'm not so much. But part of this challenge is not censoring my experiences but instead just taking them as they come. So...the first "new experience" happened in the middle of another busy Christmas shopping day.

I stopped by Subway to have lunch and found myself confused about what to order. I have been working really hard on my diet and exercise so I can be a hottie (remember)! So there I stood staring at the menu trying to figure out how to eat healthy. I usually eat either a veggie or sometimes even the tuna sandwich. And there are a few crazy moments when I splurge and have a the spicy sandwich. But today I decided to try something that has never been ordered by me before! I had a turkey sandwich. Can you believe it!

Okay...I know that this i not exactly what any of us expected but it's step one. I never order turkey slices...EVER! It's a texture issue for me and one that honestly controls where I can eat. So today I decided it was time to just try it and see what happened. I survived. It was okay, not great, but okay and something that I could do again.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that number two is a little more exciting.

Finally...here is my challenge

2009-12-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

So I wrote the last post about feeling inspired to make changes because of Julie & Julia and then there was nothing. Crickets maybe but words...NONE. It has been again a process to finally identify my new challenge. A process that has had some ups and downs but ultimately have allowed me to identify very specifically what is important.

Part of that process has been to identify that this blog has truly become so important to me that I find myself really trying to figure out what is worth posting and what would simply look like a lot of nonsense. Don't get me wrong, I think that nonsense is essential in making me truly happy but it doesn't always translate so well for me in writing. The real point is that with all of my other stuff happening in life right now, quality computer time is limited and I have to choose which sites bring me the most satisfaction. And in a time were Myspace, FaceBook, Linked (is that right?) are all the range I find myself more drawn to this blog and this process.

I have taken the time to really look at myself in the same way that Julie does in the movie. That reality check that this is the life that I created...good and bad. And honestly...I hate my life right now. I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate my anxiety, I hate being alone and I hate feeling like I'm not enough for somebody to know I'm the one. I hate that I put my life on hold for so many reasons and fear is one of them. I hate not spending as much time with my family and friends because of my work. I hate that I lost myself in the past couple of years and aren't being true to me. But mostly, I am embarrassed to admit that I hate my life right now. That is not me and that is not who I am going to continue to be.

So...that is my challenge. I am determined to find myself again and better yet, I am determined to improve who I am and enjoy life again. I started by enjoying my works out again and being focused on the moment. I have been reconnecting with my friends and honoring what they mean to me. I went back to therapy to learn to like myself and stand up for myself again. I have started to get up and move when anxiety grabs a hold of me and gain that control again. I have scheduled a meeting with my top boss to discuss a job change. And that is a great start to my new challnege.

So here it is....(drum roll) my new challenge is that I am going to do 101 new things this year. That means that one year from today I will have explored new foods, exercises, hobbies, activities, trips, friendships and so many more things that I promise to share in this blog. In fact, I had dinner with friends last night and put offered this as something we could all do together...we could do it together. And so essentially every three days I have to do something new to meet this challenge.

Welcome to my journey! I look forward to experiencing all of these new things and am excited to share these experiences with all of you (the few that still read). And, I can't wait to hear how you are inspired.

What is mine...

2009-12-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

I mean what is my challenge? On the flight back from Mexico I watched Julie & Julia and LOVED ever minute. It was funny, sweet, sad but more than anything I felt inspired at the end. Inspired that when stuck is the only way you feel making a decision to move in a direction if only for a year can create a new life all together. I don't have any desire to learn french cooking so that option is out! I am already looking for a new job so that option is out as well. My first thought is about making myself happy....or more specifically working on me. But that seems a bit broad and a little frightening. So...what is my goal to change my life? No answers at this very moment but I promise that by the end of the week I am going to post my challenge. Any ideas? Anything you are inspired to try after watching this movie?

Back from paradise

2009-11-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

I made it back from my quick trip to Mexico and had so many random experiences. I know that the bullet format is yucky but seems to be the most appropriate at this point.

I loved Mexico and was quickly reminded of the beauty in the beaches, ocean and resorts. But I also realized that things are much more Americanized than ever before...with a Starbucks in short walking distance from most activities. And the expenses of cab rides, fresh fish and even beer which at times was $6 for a Mexican beer have also been Americanized!

The biggest shock of my trip was that in ever bathroom a sign was posted reminding guests to not flush toilet paper but instead throw into the trash can next to toilet. Loved Mexico but was never so happy to come home and flush my toilet with the paper.
My parents were happy to be in Mexico and share with me their celebration of 40 years of marriage. We made sure to drink enough throughout the trip to redefine CELEBRATION!
There was a drunk evening when my parents shed tears about their love with each other, shed tears about my mom being forced to retire within the next week and they shed tears about feeling sad that my life isn't exactly the way they hoped it to be...
After four hours of golf I returned to the hotel room with at least 50 mosquito bites and after the entire trip I now sit on my couch with over 100 from the top of my head to my toes!

And those were just a few of the highlights from my trip. Overall it was a nice break from the day to day life and loved sitting on the beach and not at my desk! It was fun to spend time with my parents and see that after 40 years of marriage and 50 years of being a couple they are still wildly in love. I came home feeling grateful for the experience, inspired that love might actually work, mesmerized by the beauty and relieved for toilets that can flush toilet paper!

Mexico here I come!!!!

2009-11-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's Thanksgiving break from work (thank goodnes) and it's my parents 40th wedding anniversary! Can you believe it....40 years! I can only hope to be that lucky some day but by the time I celebrate 40 years I'll be so old that Mexico won't be an option. So....I am leaving in the morning with my parents to go and soak up the sun, drink some Mexican beer, scuba dive, golf and mostly part my butt in the sand and relax. This is exactly what my parents wanted to do for a celebration. A family vacation to rest, relax, play and just be together.

So I will be back hopefully tan, rested and grateful for my family. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Who said…

2009-11-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

That’s not fair! I hear that every day at least twenty times a day. I hear it from kids, parents, staff members…I hear it over and over again. I don’t hear it from people who are struggling to pay bills, find food, stay safe…I hear it from those who got a ticket, failed because of lack of attendance, because we cancelled an extracurricular event due to lack of participation and even because they are being held accountable for cursing at me. And it’s at those moments when I fight yelling that life isn’t fair! And how did they ever think life was fair. Life has disappointments, struggles and things can be unfair.
That is the problem with this generation. So I know that it’s official that I now sound like an old person. But it’s true, every generation has an “issue” and for this generation it’s the belief that life is fair. They believe that “it’s” their right…no matter what is in question. They trust that their parents will fix it at any time they need. They believe that all of the good things come become they are entitled and they wear it like a crown.
And parents reinforce that thinking every day. Not all parents, but I can honestly say that daily I get phone calls and visits from parents telling me how things should be for their kid because that’s what is FAIR. Regardless of the situation; regardless of the behavior and simply just because it should be.
I love kids and they are my passion. I want them to feel prepared to enter the world prepared to handle the bumps, curves, joys and hurts. And I am frustrated that their biggest hurdle is usually the vision of the world presented by the people who love them the most. I know that when a parent hovers to protect, harasses to modify circumstances and/or demands fairness they are doing it from a good place. But if I could hold a mirror up for them to see into the future it would show their child crimpled because they do not have the skills to face struggle, disappointment, hurt and unfair treatment.
Okay, I will step off of my soapbox.

Snow days

2009-10-29T20:51:00.000-06:00

The last two days have been cold and snowy leaving Denver to look like a scene from a Christmas movie. Everything is covered in snow...in fact I measured 15 inches of snow on my patio this morning. And tonight I'm looking out my window at snow covered roofs, porch lights shinning and silence. I'm not sure that you can see silence exactly, but it feels like that right now. Along with the snow came a wonderful surprise...two snow days. No school, no alarms, no hustle. Just fireplaces, candles, cozy moments on the couch and a break from a place that is not currently any comfort.

Tomorrow morning I will wake to an alarm and start the hustle all over again. And by Saturday Denver will experience 65 degree temperatures, snow will melt and all of this will look anew. But tonight I am just going to sit on the couch and stare outside at the pure joy of snow days.

Too Wicked?

2009-10-25T18:38:00.000-06:00

Not possible!!! I love this show...in fact, I love it so much that today I saw it for the fourth time. The first was several years ago with my best friend and it changed the way I saw Oz forever. Last Christmas my parents and I went on a trip to California to see it (just because I guess). And when we returned from the trip found out that it was making another appearance in Denver. So...my family bought tickets. The same week...my friends bought tickets and I was included. Sooooo....today I saw in the theater watching my favorite show EVER and decided four times wasn't enough.

Anybody in love with this show?

The light bulb is on.

2009-10-24T13:42:00.001-06:00

Oprah calls these Aha moments but I like to think of them a little more like a slap in the head. The light finally turns on and you see things clearly...and that could mean neat and shinny or cluttered and messy. Aha moments seem to indicate that when it finally comes everything looks clear and shinny. NOT ALWAYS! It's like when you tell yourself that it's only five extra pounds and you finally realize it's more like twenty! Good to realize, but doesn't feel like such a positive moment. Thank goodness for boot camp to help dwindle that number back down.

I finally saw the dots in my life. The dots that you connect over time that show the clear picture of who you are, where you have been and where you will go again if not changed. I use to believe that to change the world I had to sacrifice everything else in my life that might bring me joy. But I have realized that without joy in my life...I can't change anything. I use to believe that working out would help me fit into a pair a jeans...but not I see that it also (and more importantly) lets me be in control of my body and face most obstacles. I use to think that allowing my family and friends to use me and say hurtful things (in a very passive way) was part of keeping the peace...but now I realize it taught me how to expect the world treat me and affect my soul because of my choices.

So that light bulb went on this morning at 6:00 a.m. and burned so bright that I was almost blinded. I thought of all the wasted time and energy I have put into keeping the peace with my family and friends only to explode emotionally in the end. And then the point is lost...it becomes about my emotions not their treatment. That's not fair to anybody, especially me. Maybe sounds like an Aha moment...but this clarity doesn't come with only shinny new potential. It also comes with work, change, sadness and pain...which will in the end look different than it did at 5:59 a.m. Not necessarily a bad process or outcome just different. But it's time to face what I see and not turn out the light (like I have done before) and pretend it didn't exist. It's my turn, my control and ultimately my life.

I'll take another

2009-10-20T14:45:00.001-06:00

I never drink alone...NEVER! I reserve that for a social environment if for no other reason than appearances alone! LOL!!! But last night I intended to do some house work, read a book, write in my journal BUT a nice glass of wine sounded good to kick it all off. Opened the bottle and poured into a fun wine glass and then decided that housework could wait while I did read my book, wrote in my journal and continued to finish the entire bottle. At the end of the night I was simply that silly drunk 80's girl! You know what I mean...that girl from high school who got drunk at a party and instantly became a crying mess. That was me!

And then this morning...I opened my eyes only to relive my range of emotions and actions. Not to mention a splitting headache that has lasted ALL day. Lesson learned...wine + emotions + early morning meeting = DISASTER!

Perfect spirit

2009-10-16T11:00:00.000-06:00

Good-bye sweet girl. Your beauty was larger than life both inside and out. Your soft red hair, sweet brown eyes and generous spirit filled the hearts of all who had the chance to know and love you. You will be missed by everybody but especially by your sister and mom. I pray that you are able to run and play in snow now, eat an unlimited amount of food and have constant loving and attention. And if you could make your presence known to your sister and your mom to let them know you are around and love them...it would be helpful. There has never been a more perfect dog then you!

Everything Pink!

2009-10-04T19:08:00.000-06:00

Today was the Race for the Cure in Denver. Events started at 7:00 a.m. and for the next several hours downtown was packed with people of all ages and sizes with one thing in common....PINK! Temperatures were cold this morning marking the true beginning of fall and ultimately allowed participants to wear pink hats, pink scarfs, pink jackets, pink, pink, pink. I was just like the rest...pink shirt, socks, shoes, hat, scarf and gloves. The hat and gloves were only needed while I drove my pink scooter to the race site. And there I met my friends and family to support such a wonderful cause. It's an inspiration really. So many people coming together for the purpose of raising awareness and money. Every year I am in awe of the amount of people who are trying to make a difference. Proud to be from Denver where this race is one of the largest in the country and people are all about supporting a cause.

Be careful what you want

2009-09-30T20:42:00.000-06:00

I love those commercials about identity theft. That old couple that talks about wanting to go hang at the mall, cruise around and just hang with their friends. Love it! But when it happens to you...not so funny.

I got a call several weeks ago that my credit card had been compromised and needed to be canceled and a new card reordered. I thought it was a minor inconvenience at the moment but now it's a different story. Today I got the actual bill...these idiots did a road trip and ate better then I have in years, stayed at amazing hotels, filled their tank of gas so many times that I think they must have rented a semi-truck for the trip. And lastly...they bought hundreds of dollars worth of crap at Walmart and Target!!!! Really...you want to steal my identity then you get to take it all. You get to wake up every day and go to a job that is full of stress and assholes. You go to bed lonely and wondering how you will afford certain items for your house, friends, family...etc. You get go to gym and sweat your ass off just to fit into those jeans every week. You want it...I'm happy to share. But you have to take all of it not just part. But instead you decide to take the easy way in life and stealing credit cards, taking vacations and letting other people sort through the chaos.

Not as funny as on t.v.! Happy Hump Day!

How does that work?

2009-09-26T18:18:00.001-06:00

Cough, sniff, aches...YUCK! Flu shots have never been my favorite item invented but this year I have started to think differently. My niece spent the night with me and we talked about all of the yucky germs floating around our schools. So first thing this morning we decided to get a flu mist! I had heard of the mist before but never experienced such magic. I wasn't expected to feel much except for that rush of wet up my nose that would drip, drip, drip. NOTHING! There was no dripping, no feeling...nothing! I hope there was something in that thing to make sure the flu stays away!

No...it isn't....

2009-09-22T22:02:00.000-06:00

and wasn't what I wanted...

Just is...

Missed you all

2009-09-20T20:19:00.000-06:00

I haven't written anything for a LONG time! I haven't even had the chance to read many of your posts either and that just sucks. Blogging was an experiment when I started but it has turned out to be something that I love. I have made good friends, shared things that seemed impossible to share and laughed while writing and ready all of your blogs. Sometimes as you know...life gets in the way of the things we love. I can't fix everything right away, but I can fix allowing all of the crazy things in the world take away one of the true pleasures in my life. So...I'm back and will do better.

My job is sooooo crazy right now that I haven't had time to do anything that I love and that has made me cranky. And my boss...well you know how I feel on that topic. So when I was told that I needed to work more (hmmm...more than my 60 hours a week recently) I snapped. About a month ago I went to Vegas for a friends b-day party and found the perfect shirt to describe how I feel about him and others at various times. It's so inappropriate that I felt wild just for buying...let alone actually putting it on. The phrase is simple, direct and clear!!!! F@#% YOU...YOU F@#%ING F@!&!!! Except...it actually says it...no symbols!

So my response on Friday to his statement the day before. I wore the shirt! Okay...I wore it underneath another shirt, but all day long I felt better just knowing it was there. And this week my response to him...working a lot less hours and loving it!

Bugs, bugs, bugs...

2009-08-21T12:56:00.000-06:00

I'm finally back! My computer crashed two weeks ago and I have been feeling so lost. No blogging, not much of a chance to read, no emails, no searches...nothing! I brought my broken computer to work and found a miracle. There was somebody who is a true computer genius and magically fixed all of the problems. He did such a good job that now my computer should last at least another year (hopefully more). And like passing the torch...he handed my computer over and informed me that I had over 75 virus on my computer! WOW!!!!! But it's Friday and I am taking my computer home for the weekend and might even snuggle up to it to make up for lost time.

On another topic, I experienced something this week that I have been thinking about non-stop. I have great neighbors...in fact I have an amazing neighborhood. But I have grown very close to my next door neighbors, a young married couple with a two year old son. But over the last couple of months I have felt some strain between them. Our houses are private for the exception of one room in each house. If we are in just the right place we can see each other through the window. That spot for me is the bathroom. So I usually shut the blinds in the early evening so that we all have privacy.

The other night I went into the bathroom in the dark to shut the blinds and I caught just a brief glimpse of heartbreak. They were sitting apart, talking, crying...not yelling...just breaking. I quickly shut the blinds and felt guilt for entering their private world. But it's that specific look that says it all in a flash. It was two people who love each other enough not to scream and fight but who are lost and breaking apart. It was that look of desperation and fear. It was that look that haunts all of us. It was simply the look of heartbreak.

I have been thinking about it non-stop and trying to figure out the best way to offer my support to my friends. So last night my mom stopped by and I was sharing with her this moment and asking for advice, support...anything. (My parents will be married 40 years in November and they got married while my mom was a senior in high school and pregnant, so I think of her as a good resource.) We talked and she walked outside and found my neighbor crying on her porch. Within seconds the three of us were listening, talking and bonding. My mom's advice...take a moment to figure out how to get back to center. She talked about their love, friendship, commitment, baby...and in the end they need to take the time to heal this now and now run or quit. She reminded her that more than anything...they need to remember their relationship and tend to that first. And then she said very quietly...be gentle with yourself and with the one you love. Be honest, real and open to doing the work to heal. Love isn't always easy or always perfect but it shouldn't be a chore and it shouldn't be thrown away without any effort.

My mom's advice was amazing! But even with that great advice I looked in my friends eyes and could see the pain that is currently all consuming. I know they love each other. And I know that loving somebody and having that returned is a gift. I hope that love conquers everything else at this point...

Perfect...

2009-08-12T18:53:00.001-06:00

Cooking dinner, ironing clothes, running on the treadmill and watching t.v. A perfect way to spend hump day! Okay, maybe not perfect but close!

First big step

2009-08-03T10:04:00.000-06:00

It's here...the first big day of your new adventure. Tomorrow you will get up and be filled with excitement and maybe even a little fear about what the day will hold. I know that you will put on a new outfit and feel smart, pretty and ready to go! And as you and mommy walk into the building you will feel it...the energy of all of those books, lessons, crafts and memories. There are things to learn, friends to make and growing to do. I know that you are going to love this new adventure and be filled with exciting new stories and ideas. As you walk into your new kindergarten class know that I am sending you hugs and kisses and best wishes.

Have you walked in my shoes?

2009-07-31T22:55:00.000-06:00

Unless you have a freakishly small foot I doubt that you have. I'm back from my working conference and soooo happy to have two full days without the co-workers surrounding me. But honestly it wasn't the worst three days of my life and I have a few stories to share at a later time. But back on topic...today I decided to stop at the outlet mall and check out the sales at Nine West. I wear a 5 - 5 1/2 size shoe and this seems to be the one place that I can almost always find something to buy. And buying a pair shoes is like an hours worth of great therapy (just what I was needing) and it costs about the same.

And as I was admiring my three pairs of new shoes, I was thinking how much my shoes actually say about me. Shopping for shoes is always calming because my size never changes...regardless of weight gain or loss. And in the end I can slide into a pair of shoes and express exactly who I am at that moment. Here are some of my favorite shoes...

These are one of the new pairs (I also bought a pair in black). Leopard print is fun and wild!!!!!!
Third new pair and they were only $10!!!! Who doesn't love a deal like that...and they are hot looking.

Summer time so wonderful for shoes... I love flip flops. All colors, materials and designs...just love them. And the tan pair I am in love with right now. They look like Dr. Scholls (from back in the day) but adding a heal sexed them up. Comfy!

Some work shoes that I can walk around in without crying in pain and still feel a little sassy in a job that doesn't really allow for much sass. They are perfect to go from work to drinks and make me feel spicy!

Oh Dansko...what more can I really say. These shoes give me comfort and security every time I slip them on...even though they are so not cute, sassy or spicy. But when I was in the process of accepting myself it was this pair of shoes that I felt understood and protected me without judgement. I know that sounds a little deep and a little crazy, but it's true. Now I wear them off and on between my others but I will also keep them as a reminder of what I have walked through to get here.

My list wouldn't be complete without my Uggs... This is my new pair from this Christmas and I have thought about sleeping in them because they are so great! They are the blankey that comforts, the sweatpants that call your name after a long day...hell I love them so much that I wear them around like slippers.

And FINALLY ( I know your done reading this by now) my running shoes! I love them because they were designed online, have black patten leather which is just plain fun and make me feel strong every day that I run. I put them on and can't wait to move and sweat!

Back at it!

2009-07-28T19:21:00.000-06:00

I started work again yesterday and want to say...CRAP! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. It just that summer break has been such a nice change and there have been alarm clocks for the past 5 weeks. But worse than hearing an alarm clock...I am leaving tonight for a conference in Breckenridge with my colleagues until Friday afternoon. Nothing like jumping into the deep end. I will be bunking, eating, talking, drinking and meeting with them for the next three days non-stop. I guess summer break had to end some how. I'll be back soon...hopefully!

Urban Assault Ride

2009-07-27T21:47:00.000-06:00

Two weeks ago my mom sent an email with the link for the Urban Assault Ride with a note..."looks like so much fun you should sign up" and...I did. I convinced a group of friends to sign up and spend the day riding bikes for a good cause. I borrowed a newer bike from my dad (he had more bells and whistles) and at 7 AM had a bagel and tea with my friends waiting to plot our adventure. This was going to be soooo much fun and the fact that none of us had been on a bike in years didn't matter. So we started our ride and went from one location to another location completing tasks in between like rowing a skateboard with a plunger, riding an amusement park ride, catching wet sponges with my head and even jumping into a pool with our clothes on to swim a lap. And when it was all said an done...three hours and two minutes later we all crossed the line together. We rode our bikes over 30 miles racing against people who could compete with Lance Armstrong. And today...my legs feel like somebody has driven over them with a dump truck and not to mention that other parts would have greatly benefited from padding! But it was for a great cause and a lot of fun. Even feeling a little inspired to try and bike to work a couple of times a week....maybe

And I'll pray...

2009-07-24T02:44:00.000-06:00

Hard news hits in so many ways... I am sending my post positive thoughts and prayers out to you and your family. There are no words that I can find to give comfort. So I simply send the message that I'm sorry for this difficult situation and wish for the very, very best outcome possible...very, very quickly.

FOOOOUUUURRRR!!!!!

2009-07-17T12:12:00.000-06:00

I love golf! I'm not great but I still love playing the game. My summer break is quickly coming to an end so I have been doing as many things possible to enjoy the rest of my time. I went golfing yesterday with a friend. We got paired with two idiots with the worst possible personalities ever!!!! These two guys were clearly upset that they had to share the day with two women on the golf course...and even worse that we were better golfers (maybe just a good day) then either of them. I tried everything to lighten the mood but nothing changed. Except that as the day went on they decided that it was appropriate to treat me like their sex object...NOT! At the final hole I was getting ready to hit my second shot, my friend told them to pay attention and in my head I thought...wow...i hope they don't have to pay attention because if I hit towards them it would be a REALLY bad shot! And then...I swung, the ball flew and SMACK! It hit one of the guys right in the ankle and dropped him instantly. It was wrong, it was an accident but it was so funny that I laughed out loud for 10 minutes. He was okay and I did apologize after I was able to pull myself together. But honestly, I love golf now maybe even more than before...guess karma does exist...finally!

This is why

2009-07-12T23:41:00.001-06:00

So many questions the past couple of days...Why don't I post any pictures of myself? When are we going to see your new do? Why can't you just post something personal? Okay, okay...I don't always love to see myself in pictures but since I put it out there here it is...my new do!

Can you say OCD?

2009-07-08T12:35:00.000-06:00

I sit down in front of my computer time and time again and start to write. I write about nose rings, babies, crazy kitty (Fred), decisions...blah, blah, blah. And then at the moment when I'm almost ready to publish I just stop and delete it all. I think about what I wrote, I think about what you will think, I think about what is missing...I just over think it all.

I took a nutrition class last month from a personal trainer and it sparked something inside of me. I went to the library and checked out five different books on different nutritional styles and began my crazy quest to uncover the secret to healthy eating and ultimate weight loss. Hours passed by and the next thing I realized it has been five hours and I was simply rethinking all of my decisions over and over and over again.

My parents were going to give me a dog at Christmas time because I know that Fred would love a playmate and I have always wanted a dog. But I started to analyze and rethink all of the reasons why I might not be good for a dog. I replay it in my mind over and over all of the pros and cons...and still no dog.

Lastly, as you all know I have talked about wanting a baby and making that happen. I have done my research, connected to a single mom network, shared my wishes with family and friends, planned for money, daycare...I have done planning, planning and planning. And yet as the moment gets closer and closer I spend every second in my head thinking about my decision and if I am prepared enough to do the one thing that I want most.

Monday my mom took the day off of work to help me paint several rooms to finish yet another summer remodeling project. We talked, laughed and talked some more and I was sharing all of the thoughts that have been running through my head. And finally, she said it..."get out of your head and trust your heart." Do I have OCD? Maybe...don't we all. But I think that I take on all of the possible negative things that might happen or have happened. And my need to stay in my head is simple a way to protect my heart. If my head is constantly spinning about the possibilities and consequences, then my heart is less likely to get hurt. Because when I have followed my heart in the past it opens me up in a way that is sooo scary.

So for now, I'm going to try and stay in my heart and out of my head. And if I find a dog then I'm just going to do it. And I am going to stick with my plan for a baby and just see what happens (okay...I'm going to hope for a positive outcome). OCD....I'm going to kick your butt!

Work in progress

2009-07-05T20:43:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that it's been almost two months since my last post. I have missed blogging, missed sharing what's in my head, heart and all of the random crap that happens on a daily basis. I have been doing a lot of therapy, self reflection, writing in my journal, bonding with family and friends...and I have used A TON of alcohol as my therapist (okay...not really that much). There have been great ups and some pretty tough lows. But overall I am starting to feel myself again.

I am working on trusting me! Simple I know...but I had forgotten how to trust me...trust what I know, what I feel, what is in front of me as fact. I had forgotten to believe that good things DO happen, love can heal and that I am capable of survival... I cut my hair short again after dreaming of that for so long. I started singing in public again (story for another time) to prove to myself that I have a voice. And I have been trying something new every day to push myself.

So I am now here to say...I am a work in progress. But I want happiness, I want love, I want passion, I want trust and loyalty, I want a baby and a family, I want peace, I want to love myself and I want to laugh every single day!

Is there a fool in the room?

2009-05-13T09:27:00.001-06:00

Going to take a break for a bit. Need to work on not always being the fool in the room. I'll be back at some point...

Okay...wait, do what?

2009-05-06T20:21:00.000-06:00

It's time to lighten the mood for moment. And I can't believe that it has taken me this long to share this with all of you. It's part humor and part warning! And it all starts the day after our mini blizzard the day before my trip to Vegas...

At the last minute, I decided to try a spray tan so that I could actually wear shorts without blinding anybody. The only thing that I knew about the spray tan was what I had seen on t.v. so I knew that I wanted a person to spray me not a random machine. Or so I thought...

I made an appointment over the phone and had only ten minutes to be on time. I walked into the salon hoping for some warmth to protect me from all of that snow. This small woman introduced herself and told me to follow her into a room. But room was not really accurate, it was more like a large closet with a black tent in the middle. She told me that I needed to take all of my clothes off, put on a shower cap and flip flops she provides. Hmmm...did she really say take EVERYTHING off? Yep...told me that it would be a better look and it was really messy to get out of clothes. She walked out of the room and I stripped down to nothing, added the shower cap (note to self...not a good look), slid into the flip flops just in time for her to reenter.

She tells me to stand in front of the tent with my back facing her and then I feel it! Ice cold, wet liquid shooting at me. Oh, she forgot to mention that the liquid is sprayed by way of an air compressor so it will be cold. COLD HELL...I could have cut glass! So she is spraying my body and talking about nothing important and then I hear it..."bend over." Excuse me..."BEND OVER" she repeats. Huh...what for? She gave me some explanation about tan lines because of my butt cheeks so okay, I wouldn't want that. So there I am in a small room NAKED, for the exception of my flip flops and shower cap and I am now bent over with my hooha in her face. Literally...she is kneeling down with her face inches from a place that I don't share with just anybody. And then it happens...she shoots that ice cold, wet tanning solution up my hooha! Yep...you read correctly!

It took a few more minutes and then she was done spraying everything else on my body and even used some sponge to smooth and blend all over. Well, except for inside me...I guess that doesn't need to be blended. She then tells me that I will feel sticky for a couple hours and that I can't shower until the next morning. That would have been good information prior to getting a tan. In fact, the fact that I was wearing jeans and they were going to be stuck to my body for the next couple of hours would have been good information. And then the final blow..."and you should leave your bra off for a couple of hours." Now for some that isn't an issue, but let me explain my situation. I have a side D cup so a bra is essential in public. Not to mention, I wore a white t-shirt that day and was going to have a drink with my friend after the appointment. So I did it...

In the end, the tan was great by the next morning and was exactly what I hoped. The only issue was that it started to wear off randomly within a day and then I just looked strange! But my only true regret...I was tan both on the inside and out but nobody would ever know! Think before tanning!!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

2009-05-05T15:30:00.000-06:00

I don't usually celebrate this holiday but tonight might be an exception. I have been thinking about ice cold Corona and a huge bowl of chips and salsa all day long! So I think that maybe its a sign that tonight I should celebrate!

And while I was day dreaming about beer and chips...I also spent the entire day sitting in a room with really smart people talking about literacy and designing strategies to increase ALL student literacy. And there was actually a moment that I wondered to myself (I hope it was inside my head) WTF are you doing in this room? I've written before about my perceived intelligence and I'm not saying that to gain attention or sympathy. I really am not stupid...but in terms of book smarts I not your typical educator. And I do consider myself not the smartest person out there. I am more of a common sense smart person. But I am attracted to smart...in fact nerdy smart is such a turn on for me. So I believe that I know smart because I am drawn to it. So while we were talking about improving student literacy it dawned me that maybe part of it really is mental and we never address teaching self-confidence!

So of course I tried to think about strategies that have worked with me and how do I teach those to others. And then I realized...I didn't teach myself strategies to believe in myself. Instead I taught myself strategies to fake self-confidence. I beat myself up just as much as I assume others would after having a conversation about literature. When does that self-esteem thing take over and redefine who you are to yourself? Over the years I listened to people tell me that maybe I wasn't the smartest person or that I had big legs or that I wasn't enough...and then at some point...that's who I became inside. Yes, on the outside I fake it and present confident, independent and detached from people's opinions. But on the inside...so not the case.

The reason I love working with kids is the idea of giving them hope, confidence and security. So how do I do that if I don't give it to myself? My counseling skills just kicked in...YOU DON'T! It's time to face me. It's time to redefine me. It's time to be honest with me. And so yes...I'm not the smartest person it he world. But I can survive. I have a good job, I own a great house, I can pay my bills and put money in savings and I am a good person. And it's okay not to be the smartest. (still working on really believing that one). And yes, my legs are bigger than some and so is my butt, stomach, boobs...but I try to eat healthy and exercise daily. And I might not be enough for somebody...but I am enough for me. And that should count...(I hope)

This is my place to process and face myself. It's the place that I can be so random, real and raw all at the same time. And so I am making the promise to myself that yes, I'm working on me...but trying to celebrate the good things about myself on this happy Cinco de Mayo! I hope the same for all of you!

Does it really????

2009-05-04T21:15:00.001-06:00

I rewrote this entry so many times that I have lost count. I thought about sharing a funny story, but then couldn't tell it in a way that translated as funny. Then I was going to write about all of the silly phrases people use to make use feel better like everything happens for a reason; what comes around goes around; if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be; patience and hard work are all it takes to succeed. I rarely find comfort when somebody tells me one of these phrases maybe because it's not usually at the best time to hear something that gives me no control over my own life. But then I realize that I need to work on having a little more faith. But as that relates to this post...not so exciting! So what do I have to share right now that would make it worth your time to ready? Hmmm...maybe tomorrow.

Mattress update...

2009-05-03T20:28:00.000-06:00

Okay so I write something about my new mattress and then nothing... Crickets in the background nothing. So here is the deal...I ordered a Serta Presidential Suite mattress (the exact same kind at the MGM) and on Monday it arrived! They set it up, took away my old mattress and left all within minutes. And then...there I stood looking up at my mattress. It's soooo tall! I almost need a step or two just to get on the mattress. Funny that I don't remember that part from Vegas. Either way...I love it! No more back pain...I actually feel weightless. I wish there was an invention for that would allow me to feel the same way standing up.

Weekend update...HORMONE HELL! Is it possible that my entire body could play a game on me and overdose in estrogen? I had PMS all weekend...the kind of PMS that allows you to plead temporarily insane. Friday night...worked until 7:30ish on a grant that and then came home to an exploding headache and bed! Saturday...work, work and work again. With random tears throughout the day. I cried at anything and everything! I stayed home and did nothing, talked to nobody and hoped that I would wake up in the morning and feel normal again. No such luck! Today...more crying and bloating. Being a woman is crazy! My mom use to tell me that PMS went away after having a child...which I know is not true. Teachers use to say that when "girls" exercise and eat well PMS is not as strong...not true either! So what is it? Why are some months fine and others more like living in a Lifetime movie? So random!

And one of those too...

2009-04-23T22:06:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with a delivery company and can't wait for the scheduled time. I made a purchase that needed to happen at least ten years ago, but I finally decided to just do it!

I first discovered this item several years ago...and have often fantasized about the experience. And then a month ago I was reminded how wonderful it really is...my new mattress! The MGM in Las Vegas has the best mattress, pillows and bedding in general. I always said that if I had the chance to find out the exact brand I would run out and purchase immediately. So while I was there last month I did just that! And after my frantic search and careful budgeting...two weeks ago I purchased my new mattress online and is being delivered on Monday. I even found the pillows and ordered a set to be delivered on the same day! I know, I know...it's a bit obsessive! But I have had the same mattress that I purchased for $50 more than 16 years ago!

I'm sure that my bouts of insomnia, sore back and restless nights are all going to be better because of my new mattress. At least it worked in Vegas...or maybe that was the high volume of alcohol. Oh well, I'm going to keep fingers crossed.

How long have you had your mattress?

How about this?

2009-04-20T13:57:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year again...PROM! If you don't work in schools...especially high school, it's easy to forget how all consuming such big events really become. Prom week at my school is advertised and even glorified as the "event of the season" including a different theme day leading up to the big event.

Boys have been wearing tuxedos to school as advertisements in exchange for a free rental on the big night! Girls are talking about their tanning, nail, hair and make-up appointments to make sure that the dresses their parents purchased for hundreds of dollars are displayed correctly. We have speakers coming this week to ensure that good decision making is done by all of those attending prom. And honestly...who isn't attending at this point (their words...not mine)!

And for me, Prom means another night of supervision including time spent in a side room with a bathroom nearby for those students who decided to make Johnny, Jose or Jim their best friend for the night. It also means that I will be working the After Prom event until 5:00 a.m. after a full-day at work, dance and then games. I love staying up late and did that a lot on my recent trip to Vegas. 5:00...that's a breeze! Unless it means you have to actually work until 5:00 a.m. and then it feels like a 72 hour shift!

And on top of all of that...I am still expected to dress the part at the dance! My co-workers are talking about what to wear, getting ready and going shopping. And I even find myself getting sucked into the preparation. And then I remember...THIS IS WORK NOT PROM! So tonight I will be looking searching through my closet trying to figure out what I can wear that will work for such a massive event! And what is washable just in case one of those students decides to throw up their best friend! And in the end...it will be fun for the kids they will clearly learn that the event of the season went by so quickly.

How long has it been...

2009-04-19T10:42:00.001-06:00

I took another break from blogging...starting to feel more like the norm. I have been reading other blogs and feel slightly up to date on your lives. There have been big moments, life altering decisions, devastating events, uncontrollable laughter and so much more. I love reading every bit that is out there as often as possible. But then I sit down to write something from my own life and I simply come up with BLANK THOUGHTS!

I am stumped about my block. It's not like there haven't been things to talk about...work, house, my heart...hell I just the crazy weather could be something to talk about. And yet every day I come up with nothing to say. Sometimes I think of a great entry and then rethink the words, intent, consequences and within seconds I am pounding away on the BACKSPACE button until there is nothing but a blank screen.

I'm not a writer (thank goodness my income doesn't depend on that) so I'm not really sure what is the best way to push through a block. But maybe I'll just try random thoughts...

I love that there have been stories of Pirates in the News. Almost feels like a real Disney movie. Not all of the bad parts...just the mention of Pirates.
Work has been so crazy that I am starting to wonder what have a "life" really would be like.
Will love always hurt me? Will I ever be "enough" or will I ever be able to have hope again?
Is it time to try for a baby...or does the work stuff make that impossible?
Why is it still snowing...NO MORE PLEASE!
Am I that person...the one that is great to support somebody, help create celebration, find solutions but incapable of creating my own world?

WOW...that was uplifting (NOT)! Okay, so maybe this is my last whine for a bit. Maybe now that it's all out I will be able to write something to write about.

Vegas Baby!!!!

2009-04-04T15:28:00.000-06:00

Okay...I'm back finally. Spring Break vacation is almost over for me but I have tried to fit as much in as possible. Two days before we left for vacation school was cancelled due to a snow storm. So it was like a bonus day...snow days are even better than planned vacations. There were four of us from work who jumped on a plane headed for Vegas and hoping that we could all combine our personalities. We did pretty good as a group. Three of us are very similar so our trip included a ton of alcohol, walking, gambling, shows, staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning...just living Vegas style. During the other hours, the four of us sat by the pool in 80 degree temps, shows, more shopping, drinking and again just laughter.

I love Vegas and realized that this was going to be the first time I have been there in years without a partner. But I was also able to share those memories and the good times with my friends and we also created a few new memories as well. I sat at the blackjack tables and played with confidence (which hasn't always been the case) and won enough money that it paid for the majority of the trip! That's a plus!

Suprise joy!

2009-03-16T22:09:00.000-06:00

My day started early this morning...4:45 to be exact! And minutes before my alarm went off I opened my eyes to see Fred's sweet face pressed against my face. It was a rare sweet moment that brought me one moment of pure joy. And then the alarm went off and we were both awake and trying to figure out why mornings are so hard! But then I remember that I bought myself a treadmill a month ago and have been getting up early to jump on for 30 minutes while I watch the first couple of seasons of the L Word and it does help jump start my movements.

And then today I left work at a normal hour to discover that it was 72 degrees outside. I put the top down on my bug and drove to the gym, home and then back outside again for a walk around my neighborhood. I LOVE the spring time. And while I was feeling like my day has had enough surprise moments of joy...I finally did my taxes and discovered that while times are tough...I am getting a nice amount of money back. So tonight I am going to bed grateful for the little joy of life!

Yes I can...

2009-03-15T20:12:00.001-06:00

That is the phrase that I repeated to myself over and over again this morning on my way to meet two new people. I had the chance to meet two fellow bloggers...Catherine and Beth and hopefully not only put faces to our blogs but learn about each other as real people and be inspired to write on my own blog. But I have to admit that this morning as I was driving to the coffee shop, I was nervous about putting myself out there in the world. I know that sounds crazy...but it's easy to hide in blog land but a totally different experience meeting face to face. What I learned...they are great people, down to earth, friendly, fun and WICKED SMART!

I have had a love/hate relationship with this blog for some time now. In fact, I have considered closing my blog for awhile, but it's a part of who I am and honestly it documents this crazy journey of a life that I have lived. I explained this morning that my blog is not going to win any awards for literature or mass appeal, but it has been the place I could share all of my thoughts, fears, concerns...everything that felt hard to share out loud at times. It has been my journal of coming out, finding myself, losing myself and pulling it all together again. I have shared my fears, joys, rants, disappointments, sadness, victories and pure nonsense! And you have all come along for the ride!

So I met two new great people! I found a new coffee shop close by that I an ride the scooter to in the summer months. And I think maybe I even felt inspired to come back to my blog and share my journey...

Isn't really only the moments?

2009-03-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

I read a quote this weekend that has been stuck in my head ever since. The quote said something like..."at the end of a life you don't remember the days you only remember the moments." And at first I thought it was such a great quote but the more I think about it the less I'm really sure. I think that maybe it's a combination of both in reality. I don't remember every single day I have lived...thank goodness. But I do remember a lot of memorable moments throughout my life. But in fact, there are certain days when I have felt tremendous joy, happiness and love which I can remember from the start until the end. And there are days when I have experienced extreme loss and sadness that I have replayed from the beginning to end over and over again without comfort.

So the more I think about it...the joyful times stand out as moments I remember. Sadness and hurt stand out as days...that's interesting! How about you?

Goodbye Colorado...

2009-02-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

Those are the headlines this morning on all of the local television and radio stations, newspapers and in general discussions around all offices. I'm sure for people not living in Colorado they would think that this was such a silly topic to focus all of the energy and emotion on today. We have had two newspapers, Rocky Mountain News and The Denver Post for years and years. Two different formats, different writers, different photos...different everything. And today the Rocky Mountain News is closing their doors. The final edition was printed and delivered to newsstands, grocery stores and sidewalks. I went outside this morning to get my paper and this read the cover in silence. My heart breaks to see the ending come...

Technology has changed the way people receive their information. But I have to admit that i enjoy reading my paper every evening, seeing the historical moments documented in a way that I could never reproduce. My heart breaks for the hundreds of employees were are now unemployed and searching for a place to call home. So for today...I'm going to remember that when I order an actual newspaper it helps to keep hundreds employed. And when I run to the grocery story and consider doing the self-check out...I will wait in line with the others to ensure that I am not eliminating a job.

Most importantly, I am sad to see the newspaper that I grew up with and have loved as an adult close it's doors for good. Goodbye Rocky Mountain News...

I can't believe...

2009-02-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

how much life changes in a year. One year ago I was sleeping on the bathroom floor with Chester for the very last time. One year ago tomorrow I drove that long and lonely drive to the vet with Chester where I had to say my final good-byes and I was hoping that putting him down would give him comfort from his pain. One year ago I came home alone, to live by myself for the first time in 17 years.

I don't think that I have actually shared this before, but what the hell...I have told you other random things. I felt completely empty and alone during that week after his death and before I brought his ashes home. I had always promised him that I would spread his ashes outside, because he had been an inside cat all of his life. He would look outside in awe...like he wondered what was really out in that crazy world. The night I brought his ashes home I sat on the floor crying because he was home and he was gone all at the same time. And right in that moment...something brushed my neck...just like Chester use to do. It freaked me out and I was embarrassed to share but sure that he was in my house again. A couple of nights later I was in the basement doing laundry and something brushed against my legs...but nothing I could see. That was the last time I had that experience. I think that the was the last time we were in the same house.

I only shared that story with a few people in my life. People I loved, people I trusted. And when I shared that experience with my parents they responded in such a surprising way. They looked at each other in surprise and shared that my mom had felt him crawl up on her bed in the middle of the night just a few days prior. She moved over to make room for him on her pillow...she said she felt her pillow deflate like it would if he was sleeping next to her. And in disbelief she whispered to my dad that Chester had crawled on the bed and was sleeping next to her. My dad whispered back...I know...I felt him earlier.

I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking that I might have snapped and lost my mind. But I really am a logic driven person who knows that these experiences were real, not something that I created in my imagination. Keeping his ashes around was to comfort me, but now it's time to let them go and honor my promise. So I will let him free to go outside finally.

One year ago I couldn't imagine loving another animal. One year ago I didn't know if I would feel less empty and alone. One year later I have Fred who has reminded me I can love. One year later I still miss Chester. One year later...I'm not as alone or empty. But for tonight and maybe tomorrow...I am just going to love Chester and say I miss him.

You made what?

2009-02-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

My job silly...in fact I can honestly say that on a daily basis I hear things and deal with people and situations that most people will never encounter. There are moments of frustration, confusion, joy and mostly...laughter. There is usually at least one thing each day that makes me laugh out loud.

I was talking with a colleague from another school today and they shared the following story: This week they had over 15 students in their offices regarding pipes, Mary-Jane and poor choices. Yesterday they discovered three handmade pipes that were nicely carved, detailed...handmade pipes. One of the students who was in possession of one of the pipes was explaining their path of poor choices to a parent. At the end of his explanation the parent asked..."where did you get the pipe?" The answer..."I MADE IT IN WOOD SHOP CLASS!"

Just like your father...

2009-02-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

When did that happen? I consider myself to be very liberal and open minded. I support every bodies right to live their life without judgement (as long as nobody is being physically abused) and am open to most situations. I learned that partially from my parents and I guess the other part of that is just part of my genetic coding. But the other side of that is my childhood was filled with "life lessons," "tough love," and "lifting your head up and just walking through life." My parents are realists who raised us to be the same. There are moments when I wish that I was simply a dreamer or even just believed that everything would always turn out good. But that's not it...I was taught that life can be hard, I would be hurt and I am expected to survive regardless.

My dad was a wrestling coach throughout my entire childhood and he took it very seriously. He viewed wrestling as a way of life, maybe a philosophy would better describe his views. He would lecture us that wrestling was a snapshot of the world...you had to depend on yourself, it was hard work, full of pain and joys...and that in a split second everything can change. And you have two choices, to give up or fight.

I was telling somebody this morning a story from my childhood that finally made that connection of his lessons. When I was in middle school, a couple of friends (or ex friends more accurate) egged my house and spray pained, in red paint, my name and then words like slut, bitch, whore!!! It took up the entire sidewalk in front of my house. My mom tried to pour some water on it and nothing changed. My dad told me that a power washer might help...but we didn't have one. And then that was it! They acted like it was nothing and expected me to do the same. I never mentioned it again. So for the next several years, that stayed out in front of my house like Scarlet letter. Except for the fact that I had never been in a sexual relationship of any kind at that point...so they were just lies for people to read about me. The neighbors asked me about them periodically, friends who came to visit and even family members gathering at our house would all have the chance to read the ugly words (lies) about for years to come.

I hadn't talked about that or even remember that event for such a long time. And I have to be honest, I would do it different for my child. I would rent a power washer to remove the lies and hurt branded on a place that is suppose to be their retreat from the outside world. But, I get why my parents didn't and even have some respect for that choice. I learned to stay focused on what I knew about me. I learned to not hand out that type of judgement to somebody else because I know how quickly one action can change and hurt. I learned to survive and stand up and walk through the hurt, shame and embarrassment. That doesn't make it easier or less hurtful...but it makes me a survivor.

I'm still here

2009-02-09T22:13:00.001-07:00

Although I know it feels like I have fallen off of the radar. I have been busy, sick (soooo sick actually) and mostly feeling uninspired to write here. I have missed it and tried to come up with great things to share. I have hidden from the world for bit and become very, very quiet. But I also know it's time to come out of that cave and enter the world again. So I finally went to the doctor today and got some meds to make me feel better! I have been exercising and working on feeling great in my own skin again! And I am working on the inspiration. Just wanted you all to know that I'm still here and hoping to make a come back.

My little sunshine!

2009-01-19T15:12:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling the winter blues. At least that's what I'm calling the feeling...whatever it really is! I got out of bed this morning at 7:00 a.m. to do WORK! I have worked all weekend long (which I know is the same for many)...but this is my blog so right it's my sad story. While I sat on the couch typing teacher evaluations, I decided...NO MORE! I need a break, I need to breathe, I need to smile. So I put on my shoes (new Uggs actually), slipped on a vest and put my helmet on tight. I started my scooter up and drove around for over an hour. It's 66 degrees here today! Can you believe it...65 degrees. I drove around on my scooter soaking up the sun and listening to my ipod. It was great for my mood. I felt good, energized and happy. So now, I'm back on the couch doing work again...but this time I feel so much better. Hope you all got to enjoy a random moment this weekend.

Sands through the hourglass...

2009-01-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of soap operas being real. Not the drama part...that I the bad part, but all of the other stuff. Nobody is ever overweight and nobody works out EVER! There is always an endless supply of good food and amazing cocktails...regardless of the time of day. Everybody has money, endless support for child care and yet nobody really works. Hearts are broken but will be mended and spirits lifted within the hour. Everybody has an amazing wardrobe, loyal friendships and complete balanced lives. Who doesn't love the idea of that life! So maybe I wouldn't love my mom sleeping with my lover or dodging a hostile encounter in the elevator with my intern...but everything else seems pretty good.

All dressed up...

2009-01-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

My new look (my blog that is) was exciting to create, full of hope and maybe just a little different. But while my blog is all dressed up, it essentially has no place to go! I have been waiting and waiting to feel a masterpiece blog entry in my soul, but I have nothing. Okay, so nothing isn't really true, but haven't been able to put the pieces all together. So here it goes...my random thoughts for the day.

Why does my boss need to hold all day meetings every Monday when nothing is ever accomplished?
How do I make up the one day a week that my boss wastes my time?
Being honest and vulnerable is scary, empowering and hopeful.
I feel grateful for my employment at the same time that I feel depressed about my job.
Getting that "just thought you should know" call from a friend never ends with a happy feeling.
Only Denver can have blizzard conditions at 7 a.m. and clear, blue skies with sun at 9 a.m.
I wake up daily to find numerous cat toys in my bed. I never go to sleep with these toys in my bed.
If there is another person in my house, I sleep very lightly and am aware of the things around me. If I am alone...I hear NOTHING! Not even my phone, Fred or alarm! Random!

Have a great day to all of you!

Good news with a twist!

2009-01-07T20:21:00.001-07:00

"Oh this house"...those were the only thoughts that ran through my head time and time again. But during my remodel project over the summer, I learned to appreciate these four walls. In fact, I even learned to be excited about my little chateau and the neighbors that surround me. During our summer block party, we commented on our community being one of the best places in the world. Ha!!! It's official! Look at this article and it will prove that were I live is actually one of the BEST communities in the United States.

This evening I got a letter from the local police that warned all of us to watch out for each other and keep an eye out for a group of men trying to break into houses. Hmmm...I didn't see that in the article. Oh well, we all have issues...but for now, I get to say that I truly live in one of the best places in the world (o.k...the U.S.).

Missing piece

2009-01-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Gwen's advice and patience of my random and often stupid questions...my blog has a new look for 2009! While I was searching through hundreds of new looks the missing puzzle pieces reached out and slapped me. I have laughed, cried, screamed and questioned on this blog for over two years now. And with the new year I have decided to finish a thought, a feeling...a need. So here it goes!

I have a need to be important to myself and hopefully to others in my life. I have a need to believe that I deserve good things, love, happiness and success. It's embarrassing to actually say out loud, and I do not want any pity...but I want to say that my belief that I don't deserve good things have become self fulfilling prophecies. Now don't get me wrong, I have had some great things in my life, I have an amazing family, wonderful friendships, spunky pets (past and present), good job, nice house...you get the point. But I spend most of my days waiting for the other shoe to drop, just waiting for something bad to happen because I am undeserving of what I do have.

I watched the last few minutes of Oprah yesterday and she was talking about her constant struggle with weight. Hello!!!! We all have that struggle on some level and we don't get paid millions of dollars to discuss the reasons. But the reason I continued to watch...she said something that clicked for me. She was talking about whatever was missing in her life is the reason she feeds herself. For her it's balance, others its money and some it's fulfillment. For me it's pure 100% unconditional love. Love for myself!

So while I could write a million things that I am going to focus on in 2009, which would be great material for the millions of things that I don't follow through with in 2009...instead I'm going to try and just be me. Be me and believe that I'm enough just the way I am.

Holiday rundown

2008-12-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

I finished my shopping, mailing and decorating just in time to actually enjoy the holidays. And tonight as I'm sitting on the couch watching my tree light up I find myself suffering a bit with the post holiday blues. So I decided to share some of my big memories of this holiday, some good some not so much...but all of them are now imprinted forever in my memory box.

1. Shopping with my dad the day before Christmas Eve. I was expecting some attitude and frustration from my dad as a result of not knowing what to get my mom. But honestly, it was the exact opposite! We shopped, find the exact items he imagined her opening, we laughed, we had lunch and even a cocktail with a toast!

2. Baking cookies with my mom and getting ready for the big Christmas Eve party at my house. We wore matching aprons, danced to music, had a cocktail (are you seeing a theme) and laughed out loud.

3. Hosting 16 people (family) for Christmas Eve and enjoying every minute. Even Fred did a great job and we had no issues.

4. Sentimental toast! My dad stood up at dinner, toasted to his family...dad, brother, sister, wife, kids, grand kids...everybody! He wished my grandmother was still alive to share this memory. He cried and my brother stood up and walked over to his side, hugged him and helped him finish the toast.

5. Opening presents with my parents on Christmas morning! We got each other fun gifts. My parents planned a trip for all of us to go and see a show, drive to see my aunt, celebrate big...and relax! My parents are so sweet.

6. I put on a new outfit (size 8 again, finally)! I did my new hair style, put on make-up and went to my grandmothers house with my parents to celebrate Christmas evening. And within ten minutes of being there, one of my uncles walked up to me and told me that I looked fat and he was sure that nobody would ever find me attractive! SMACK! And at that very second, I walked away and cried in the next room for 5 minutes. Finally, my mom and dad came to find out what had happened and I shared the story. My dad wiped my tears, my mom called him a fucking asshole! And we walked back into the party again. A few hours later I saw both of my parents take my uncle aside and have very strong words! Thanks for defending me...I needed that boost.

7. Taking family pictures and having both my brother and sister-in-law hold my hands and stick together.

8. Surviving...this was a big holiday and I survived. It was the first Christmas without Chester. And it was the first Christmas with Fred. Spent time with my family...and also missed my family.

Overall...I felt the spirit and enjoyed all of the time with my family. Merry Christmas!

Christmas spirit?

2008-12-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

It's official...Christmas cheer is starting to feel a little more like Christmas panic! I have only purchased a few gifts and have several more to figure out. I feel about 5 steps behind the plan and have nobody to blame but myself! So, I'm off to fit in a work out, shopping, parties, post office....maybe even searching for a little elf to help out! Cheers to all of you...hopefully you are better planners and have time to relax and just enjoy the spirit.

I'm back...

2008-12-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

Whew...it feels like forever since I have actually written anything on this blog. Update on the grandpa situation, he is fine. Well, at least his heart is okay for now. The hospital stay allowed him to have all of the fluid drained that had accumulated around his heart and it gave his family some time to try and figure out a better living situation. He was in the hospital for five days and his wife never once came to visit, not a phone call...nothing. She took a break from him and from their marriage vows. My grandpa told me that he never wanted to marry somebody who yelled at him or was mean and/or cruel. He acknowledges that his current marriage has yelling, mean and cruel behavior dished out toward him daily. But he also explains that he didn't leave earlier and now this is his destiny. I am hopeful that my dad and his siblings are going to intervene soon and help create a better living environment for what ever time is left...6 months or 6 years!

Other news...it is colder than polar bear poop! I don't really know what that means, but today it was actually 2 degrees outside. Three days it was in the low 60's and today it's 2! The high this week is suppose to be 30 degrees and I am really looking forward to warmer days. Ugh! I still am not done shopping for Christmas gifts but also not feeling that stressed out about it either.

Lastly, I was thinking that it's been some time since I posted anything about Fred. He has grown so much since the last post. This is his first Christmas and so far the tree has remained upright. I can't say that the tree skirt has fared as well...he has such a love/hate relationship with the skirt. I often wake up in the morning with Fred on one side and the tree skirt lying on top of me. In fact, Fred has learned how to play fetch and it's a fun activity for both us. The only problem with this new trick is that he brings everything to bed with him so we can play at any time day or night. Every morning I get out of bed and have to take a couple of toys out of sheets before making the bed!

He is so different from Chester and yet I love him just as much. Chester was the sweetest boy ever and my heart still longs for his company. But Fred touches a different part of my heart in his own special way. He isn't much of a snuggler during the day...but at night time watch out! He loves to play, bite, play, eat and play some more. He loves water and getting into the shower. He is such a tease to my mom and makes her work very hard for some lovin! He has a strange bond with my dad and would be so happy if it were only the two of them for life. He loves kisses on the lips every day and sleeps with his stuffed animal which is a snake (Wilma). And he makes me laugh every single day!

Not that interesting

2008-12-02T21:37:00.001-07:00

I have loved this blog. And over the last couple of years I have had no readers, some readers, more readers and now maybe not so many readers again. I get it....I totally get it! I may not be so interesting right now. So maybe I'll take a break until I have something interesting to share. I hope that means I could return tomorrow...but I'm okay if it takes longer.

Update...So it's been an hour and I just had the most random, crazy thing happen that made me write again. So maybe it's not going to be that interesting, but right now I just need to say it.

My grandfather was a widow at a young age. Years later he decided to marry again, a women 20 years younger (so that he wouldn't have to become a widow again) and it has been the most ridiculous union ever!!!!! Hi wife, and that is actually the nicest name I can use for her, is an unhappy, uncaring, selfish woman who has admitted to waiting for him to die so that she can move back to be with her family in NJ. Yep...doesn't that scream love. Not the point. Tonight I got a phone call from her at 9:50. She wanted to let somebody in the family know that my grandfather was in the hospital with congestive heart failure. I gasp and she says..."oh, it's not bad thought!" WTF...shut up woman it is that bad! He was admitted this morning and she forgot to tell anybody until now.

My grandfather has three children and she contacted me. Granted my dad is out of town on the cruise...which by the way he was out of town the last time my grandfather was fighting for his life in the hospital! But back to her for now, after listening to her talk about needing to leave the hospital so she could be home in time for her soap opera, how excited she is to watch a movie she rented and general crap, I finally was able to find out the hospital and the room number of my grandpa.

The plan, I am going to meet the doctors in the morning and try to figure out what is happening...I am going to contact my aunt and uncle to try and give them an update and get some support. And then I am suppose to call her with an update so she knows when I will be bringing my grandpa home. Ugh! My poor grandpa is fighting for his life and his stupid wife is fighting for more t.v. time. Blah!

World AIDS Day...

2008-12-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

In the 80’s news of a disease that selected deviants spread like wild fire. By the 90’s people were starting to learn that AIDS could knock on any persons life…not discriminating gender, sexual orientation, life style or race. Research as been done, experimental drugs used, prevention discussed, celebrities have advocated for money, support and understanding. And yet in 2008 the average person still does not accept that AIDS has or will touch their life in some way.

There are those people out there that talk about choices…that somehow people making bad choices receive this as a punishment. Really…I would love to pick through their lives and find all of the bad choices made to prove that point.

AIDS and HIV have touched my life through very dear friends. These are people that I laugh with, cry to, listen and depend on daily. I wish for them health, peace, understanding and support. I am so thankful for their teaching, understanding, surviving and living! I pray for all of us…CURE!